whispers and kisses and lies
by mcfuz
Summary: There are times when she wonders how big her heart must be to hold so much inside. / Freeverse, spans over Lily's seven years at Hogwarts. Includes SeverusLily friendship, RemusLily friendship and slight romance, with eventual JamesLily.


there are times when she wonders how big her heart must be to hold so much inside

and the thought of it makes her smile

::

when she's eleven and meets severus

things change

and she likes the way they turn out

(and she knows sev does too)

::

but that potter boy on the train

_james_

he's always on the edge of her thoughts

needling

drilling

crawling his way inside

as if through a rabbit's warren

or a maze

(and she says she hates him, because she does)

_((doesn't she?))_

::

and potter's friends

sirius, the slytherin-now-gryffindor with a sharp mouth and laughing eyes

peter, the little rat-like boy whose nose is constantly running

and remus

who she maybe considers her friend

(after all, he does have a nice smile)

but james is the worst

he will always be the worst

(that's what she tells herself, anyway)

::

and severus

dear darling severus

with his eyes like tunnels that draw her in

and she knows what people whisper about her behind her back

- _mudblood_ -

she likes to think that severus doesn't play along

(but somewhere deep inside she knows he does)

((and it hurts

but she doesn't say a thing))

::

it's wonderful when she realises she's top of the class

- she was always competitive -

but then she sees that potter boy

(and his friend black, too)

with grades as high as hers

and it makes her **mad**

(because when did they _ever_ try as hard as she did?)

and she notices remus, too

[with those three pale scars across his face that make her shudder and wonder and sob]

holding his results

hiding disappointment behind nonchalance

(and maybe her heart bleeds for him, because she remembers how ill he was during the exam)

((and she wonders how someone like that {demure, quiet} can be friends with people like potter))

and it makes her sick

::

she's in second year now

all grown up

and severus is same as ever [on the outside] and she loves him like always [maybe a little less]

so she's on the train again

and thank whatever god is out there that potter is in another compartment

because right now

she'd like to sock him

(not for any particular reason, he just has that effect on her)

but she doesn't

because she's _lily evans_

and maybe she's selfish {arrogant, too} but she'd like to keep her reputation

_thank you very much_

after all, if she landed herself detention -

she'd most likely be spending it with potter and black

(and maybe remus too, which wouldn't be so bad)

so she holds it in

and all she does when potter walks past is smile

and the look on his face is priceless

::

she's watching them one day

the _marauders_

and she can sense [something] has changed

potter and black sit seriously side by side

(which in itself is a wonder, as they never stop moving)

peter hovers behind

and remus is nowhere to be seen

[she misses his three pale scars with a longing that surprises her]

::

and then remus is back

and everything is normal again [is it?]

::

she sees sev shooting her these looks

she wonders [knows] what they mean

[_mudblood_]

and her heart splits along its seam

::

she's in the library

it's a wet, foggy day outside

and what she sees stops her in her tracks

potter

reading

in the _library_

[she smiles a little at the look of concentration on his face]

her inkwell clatters to the ground

potter looks up [meets her gaze] and laughs

so she stands

walks over and

he winces as she swats him over the head with her history textbook

::

afterwards, she lies on her bed in the dorm

thinking about the book potter was reading

[and _definitely_ not potter himself]

animagi, she thinks

and frowns

::

it's third year

hogsmeade trips are a staple in her school diet

and suddenly

_inexplicably_

potter asks her out

[her heart thumps a little wildly in her chest and she finds it hard to meet his eyes]

and she says no, of course

::

remus takes arithmancy and ancient runes with her

and she learns to love him a little more every day

his easy grin

his amber eyes

[his three pale scars]

they both know potter's jealous

but neither of them really cares

::

severus begins to ignore her in the corridors

she has to run after him

_call _his name

to get him to turn around

she doesn't bother to hide the hurt on her face

[but she flinches as she sees _his_ sadness grow]

::

she kisses remus under the arch near honeydukes

his lips taste of toffee and chocolate

immediately afterwards, they both agree to stay _just friends_

::

fourth year passes by

potter asks her out again

[in the courtyard by the statue garden where her cheeks are flushed with heat]

and again

[in the corner of their empty potions classroom and she can smell the amortentia brewing nearby]

and again

[by the fire in the common room which makes the hazel in his eyes dance]

and again

[outside the girl's bathroom where her hair is damp from the rain falling outside and his glasses catch the light]

she says no every time

::

fifth year

[and she wishes she could forget it all]

::

sev

[snivellus]

calls her mudblood

[she knew he did it behind her back, but in public?]

and potter _defends_ her

black and peter giggle and grin

[and remus {a prefect, meant to do the right thing} stares at his book, gaze frozen for a long time]

and at that moment she hates them _all_

::

o.w.l.s come and go

she aces them

[and has a sneaking suspicion potter does too]

::

the train journey is lonely without sev

marlene and dorcas and everyone else surround her

laughing, smiling, excited to be starting the year

[all she can hear is the pounding of her own heart and all she can feel are the tears slowly building]

she laughs along with them

[she wishes she were alone]

::

she figures it out

[_werewolf_, remus is a-]

all by herself

[he's a werewolf, a _werewolf _and it scares her-]

and she wonders why it took so long

[she cries herself to sleep that night remembering {his three long, pale scars} but doesn't say a word the next day]

::

there are whispers

rumours

no one dares speak the name

[you-know-who, they all say, and all she wants to scream is _no, no I don't!_]

::

and then the hogwarts curtains are drawing closed

she's head girl and she couldn't be happier

[that's a lie, a filthy lie that everyone believes so easily]

{she doesn't want to graduate, she wants everything to stay perfect}

so when potter asks her out again

[after a winning quidditch game and her grin seems to break off from such prolonged use]

she says yes

::

and she sees sev sometimes

lurking in the corridors, cloak drawn tightly about his spidery frame

[she sometimes thinks of apologising, of running to him and saying how much she misses them together]

and the sight twists her stomach

[because he just looks so alone]

::

and remus' smiles grow more and more forced each day

but james doesn't notice

sirius doesn't notice

peter doesn't notice

only she does

[and she asks him up front what's wrong, but when his mask shatters and he says _it's all over_-]

- the resewn seams of her heart burst apart once more

::

and suddenly

suddenly it _is_ all over

they're on the train for the final time

[she's curled in james' lap and ignoring sirius' mimed vomiting sounds]

and when her tears begin to fall

[when sev walks past the compartment and gives her the coldest stare possible]

when her breath begins to stutter and choke

it is _remus_ who sees

who smiles the first real smile he's smiled in a long while

[he says _it's okay _and she says _I know_]

she realises that loves him

and james

and maybe sirius and peter too, though not so much

and her heart is colossal in its love for each of these people who mean so much to her

[and maybe, just maybe, there's a tiny space inside it still reserved for sev, because a friendship like theirs can never be forgotten]

and so she laughs

and laughs

and laughs

and doesn't stop until kings cross is in sight and the train grinds to a halt because laughing feels so damned good and she has a feeling

_a feeling_

[that none of this will last]

but she doesn't say it out loud

::

there are times when she wonders how big her heart must be to hold so much inside

and the thought of it makes her smile

[and makes her sad, too, just a little]

::


End file.
